I know I allways say this, but, as an adoptee it is always interesting to hear the experiences and perspectives of non adoptees involved in an adoption.
It was especially interesting to read the experience and perspective of a social worker for once. I have read and spoken with many adoptees and adoptive parents, and birth parents, read from the experience of a psychologist, and now Jim Gritters Life Givers.



How did your birth parents explain the circumstances of your adoption?

My parents were very sensitive to the circumstances and how they explained them. My adoptive mother said,"your mother was alone with three toddlers and didn't have a lot of money. She couldn't afford a babysitter, so she put you all down for a knapp so she could go to the grocery store without dragging you out in the cold, because she didn't drive or have a car. She loved you very very much, and was especially concerned about you, because you were the youngest of three and the only girl. It wasn't her fault, she wasn't bad, she was just alone and very poor."

Over the last three years, maybe I should have realized it sooner, but It just occured to me that that story is probably not the truth. My adoptive parents were just protecting me. I think my mother may have been mentally ill, or she was leaving us alone to go see a man and she didn't want him to know she had kids. Or something along those lines. Why didn't she ask a neighbor to watch us or a friend or a relative? At 39 years old I am just now getting it. I think because sometimes we adoptees have this big fantasy of our birthmothers being everything we wanted our adoptive mothers to be and were not. For some of us.

Did reading Life Givers give you any insight into what your birthparents may have gone through? How will this affect your relationship with them?

As I start to wake up, so to speak, to the truth about my birthmother, I am really not sure she went through all that much turmoil. At least not for maybe a few years, because CPS gave her three or four years to get it together and the last year, I'm told, she wasn't showing up to her visits consistantly. I guess she just gave up. My adoptive mother felt so bad for her that after my adoption was finalized, she actually tried to find her, but she had moved with no forwarding address, almost right after the finalization.
I really don't know at this point in my life what if any relationship would form if I were to find her. I am afraid of what I might find.


Distinguishing between voluntary and involuntary birthparents, helpful or harmful.

I think it is harmful, because really, the only difference between them is, one mother was in denial that they needed to let their child go and one was not. They both had problems in their lives and were not mature enough or stable enough or whatever, and one mother said I am not going to beable to do this alone, and the other maybe thought she could, but she couldn't, and needed someone to step in and say you need help.

I question wether or not CPS offered her any help or servivices to get her on her feet, since this was 1974, I'm not sure what things were like with the CPS back then. Maybe there is even somthing to be said for the mothers who at least tried. At least my mother tried. She didn't just give up befor she atleast gave it a shot.

I think the ones who were really cheated, were the mothers who wanted to give it a shot but were forced to give up their child, or who were coerced in a way that made them feel like their was no other option. I think they are the ones who were abused by the system. They should have been able to choose for themselves and there decision, whichever they chose, should have been supported.